on finding love

I don’t like the usual discourse about dating and how you’re meant to optimize for it. So here are some thoughts on what love actually is and how you find it.

Love can be hard and can fails because we ignore the mechanics of it. To build something that lasts, I believe love needs to meet two specific requirements:

• relationship craft : the practical ability to build and maintain a healthy relationship
• shared sensibility : a similar way of perceiving and feeling the world

Relationship Craft

Relationship craft is the ability to be a good partner and build something healthy. It means knowing how to communicate without turning every disagreement into a verdict, how to express what you feel, how to repair after conflict, and so on. It means being present not just when it is easy, but showing up consistently because you understand that love is something you build through action, something you choose every day. But none of this comes naturally. Before wanting to be in a relationship, there is necessary work to do on yourself. most people don’t see the work they need to do, ask around you. btw if you’re not mentally okay, dating is probably a bad idea because it will just drags someone else into it.

Shared Sensibility

I consider it to be the ability to have a similar perception of reality. You know when you look around and notice small details that feel like glitches in the simulation, something slightly off, poetic, or absurd.

We laugh when we detect rigidity inside life, when something mechanical interrupts what should be fluid. Love depends on the same sensitivity. It appears when two people respond to the world in a similar way, when the same kind of scene in a film stays with them, when a line in a book carries weight, when something ordinary suddenly feels charged.

That is why a romantic gesture feels right with one person and uncomfortable with another. When you share something that moved you, it either reaches something already present in the other person or it does not. When that shared sensibility exists, the love that grows from it becomes specific, shaped by the way you both interpret what you see and feel. This sensitivity is innate and can not appear/change over time.

You can grow, but the way you register the world tends to remain consistent.

We often think love is about “feeling” but a love that can last is actually about the logistical alignment of these two factors.

Misalignment

In the beginning, what attracts us is almost always sensibility. We chase intensity because it gives the impression that something special is happening.

But intensity does not automatically translate into durability. If two people have not reached a certain level of emotional maturity, the relationship can just become toxic and not last. What felt unique can slowly erode, not because it lacked depth, but because it lacked structure.

With time, many people correct this. They work on themselves, learn to communicate better and become more stable. At that stage, relationships become easier to maintain, yet something else often shifts: the search for shared sensibility becomes less central. Some people are tired and they just settle for stability. A relationship built this way can be healthy and functional, and for many that is enough. Tho from my experience i’ve met many guys crying after a few years because they thought that marriage will fix their life, it did not.

Supermarket Mentality

Dating now runs on a supermarket mentality where people are consumed the way products are consumed. You scroll, you sample, you move on, always aware that there is another option waiting. That logic changes the way you relate to others because instead of trying to understand how someone actually experiences the world, you assess whether they check enough boxes to justify staying. And then people complain that the dating market is broken. If every connection feels disposable, maybe the problem isn’t the market. Maybe it’s the way they approach it. Maybe they are the problem. If you keep going on dates and can’t build anything serious, at some point you have to question your own patterns.

A way to find love, I think, is by being yourself. The more you lean into who you really are, the activities you genuinely enjoy, the friends you naturally connect with, and the environments that feel right to you, the more likely you are to meet someone who truly matches you. I also think meeting people through friends or family is often better.

>Love obsesses humanity for a reason.

>It runs through novels, films, religion, myths, because it touches something that cannot be reduced to strategy or compatibility.

>We try to explain it, measure it, optimize it but it keeps escaping definition.

>I often say that the more deeply you experience life, the closer you move toward God, toward a creator, and to me love represents the highest form of that experience.

>It expands your perception, destabilizes your ego and connects you to something that feels larger than yourself.